I've experienced several breaking points in my life, but this one tonight was the easiest and most positive. It's not a snap, or a "breakdown." It was more like becoming overfull of the pain and sadness, to the point of overflowing, a feeling that in a way simplified my actions, and I completely spontaneously wanted to call Megan. Up until this very point the thought would have made me even more wretchedly sad. But it was as if I simply no longer had the choice; that I simply missed her so much that I would do anything to ... what? Hear her voice again? Perhaps... but as I recall, though it was not even an hour ago yet, I just wanted so badly to tell her that I missed her. I wanted to hear that she missed me too and still loved me. I didn't think that was even likely; but I was so desperate that I had to take the chance.
For weeks I had been avoiding talking to Megan in any way, and likely as a result, becoming more and more depressed. I still find it gut-wrenchingly painful to think of her with this new boyfriend. He's not even new now, really. Is this just insecurity on my part? Is no-one confident enough to be immune from that pain?
The other night, when I was visiting Ruth and Laura, Ruth asked me something about pain, possibly something like how I deal with pain. I thought about it and was mildly surprised to find that I simply felt used to it. I don't think I've ever fought pain; can it be fought? I've always simply let it hurt me and hurt me until it went away. It never occurred to me that there would be an alternative, though now I know some people fight it weakly with TV and shopping and other modern nostrums and snake-oils.
It's not like I've "lived with" pain in the way that all too many people truly do. Generally I consider myself to be a quite happy person, and I think I always have been. But I've also always—first implicitly and later explicitly—accepted the highest highs for the lowest lows, and immediately accepted those trials and the great suffering that is fundamental to all life, and fundamental equally to true happiness.
Posted by daleth at July 30, 2008 11:18 PM